Along with professional recognition and fulfilment, being a leader carries some not-so-good responsibilities. Much less easy. But in this position difficult conversations are commonplace and often necessary.
With a team to manage and a board or partner to answer to, leaders can find themselves in the middle of a tug-of-war. Whether it's reporting a lower-than-expected result, giving negative feedback, charging for results, and so on.
At these times it is common for managers to become anxious or nervous, especially if they have had negative experiences of difficult conversations in some past situation.
If the conversation is with a subordinate, it is expected that the leadership keeps calm and conducts the conversation in the best feasible way. But expectation versus reality leaves the leader with mixed feelings.
On the one hand he is overcome by anxiety. On the other hand, he needs to appear calm and secure during the meeting.
If it is impossible to extinguish difficult conversations from a leader's routine, the solution is to learn to deal with them. In this case, creating a formula or script of what to do and what to talk about gives more security to the manager. Thus, it is possible to establish a process to normalize these situations and suffer less with them.
To help you, we listed a step-by-step method to make difficult conversations lighter and more productive. Check it out below:
DON'T MAKE IT A MYSTERY
Regardless of if the conversation is with a subordinate, a partner, or the board of directors, always make explicit the subject to be approached. If you are the one requesting the conversation, put the subject in the invite and send a message to the participants. Something like: "Hi, I'm scheduling this chat to talk about what happened in situation Y."
If you've been invited to the chat, but don't know exactly what the topic will be, don't hesitate to ask. Neutral messages work great in this situation. Something like "Hi, just checking, will our meeting be to talk about situation Y?"
Having in mind the subject of the conversation, the first barriers are already eliminated: anxiety and fear. Imagine the following situation: an employee has not achieved his goals for three months in a row and receives an invitation from the manager with no defined subject. It is natural that he goes to the meeting defensively and loses focus and productivity while waiting for the conversation.
Making the subject transparent is also a form of respect and empathy, giving him time to recover data and justifications to explain his position. By avoiding, or at least reducing, the negative expectations of the meeting participants, the conversation already starts with a calmer tone.
Define solutions together. After explaining the problem and its impact it is important to look at the solution. More than giving orders, this is the moment to try to find solutions together, creating a sense of responsibility. Take advantage of the bond created in the conversation to end with "can I count on you to solve this? Engage the person in solving the problem!
REFLECT ABOUT HOW THIS AFFECTS YOU
Before the day of the conversation, it is important to do some self-knowledge work and understand how the fact that will be approached affects you personally.
In cases of behavioral problems, it is common for leaders to take the situation personally, even unconsciously.
Currently personal emotions are the enemy. This is because they can override reason and make it difficult for the conversation to have a positive resolution. As we are not robots, it is impossible to leave emotion 100% aside. That is why it is essential to understand them.
Analyse the situation to be dealt with and see how you feel about it. Discomfort, sadness, feeling of betrayal, anger. By understanding this, use emotional intelligence to reprogram your instinct and control the initial feeling.
CREATE A SCRIPT
After becoming aware of your feelings, it is time to do the same with the interlocutor. For this, it is necessary to create an environment of empathy and safety during the meeting, so that he understands the impact of the situation on you (what it generated in terms of feeling) and on the company (what it generated in terms of impact or damage).
From this, it is possible to disarm the person and create a collaborative environment, aiming to find a solution to the problem. To ease difficult conversations, follow these three steps:
- Explain the situation again so that everyone has aligned the issue to be addressed, without deviation on account of a personal view. Here it is important to avoid an accusatory tone. Instead of "you did not comply with the agreement", prefer the passive tone: "the agreement was not complied with".
- Talk about how this situation made you feel - therefore it is important to have already made this reflection beforehand. This way the participants of the conversation will understand the impact of the situation, as well as create a connection with you. By telling someone "I felt disappointed that you didn't keep your appointment" you make them think about whether this is how they wanted to make you feel and you create empathy. By naming the feelings, it is easier for the person to put themselves in your place.
- Define solutions together. After explaining the problem and its impact it is important to look at the solution. More than giving orders, this is the moment to try to find solutions together, creating a sense of responsibility. Take advantage of the bond created in the conversation to end with "can I count on you to solve this? Engage the person in solving the problem!
HAVE THE ANSWERS
This last step is especially important. Many times, a conversation is only difficult because it doesn't have a goal. This way, it just becomes a space for complaints and confrontation.
Before even starting the conversation, have in mind what the objective of the conversation is and what the ideal resolution for the problem to be solved is. When deciding together with the participants the solutions, propose solutions and ask them to complement them.
It is crucial that these outputs are recorded with deadlines on the communication channel of the company. This way it will be possible to follow up the evolution of the resolution.
By following these tips, it is possible to minimize the feeling of anxiety and nervousness caused by difficult conversations. But the best remedy for these situations is to avoid them and there is only one way to do this: with constant feedback.
In the end, what will make a conversation difficult or not is you. The way you handle the situation and how you see the role of leadership and the delivery of results.
